Sunday, August 15, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
20 Questions
Two Red necks are arguing
One red neck says to the other “if I think of something and write it down on this piece of paper I’ll give you twenty questions to guess what it is”
He accepts this challenge
Redneck 1: writes down “Donkey Dick”
Redneck 2: asks his first questions “Can you eat it”
Redneck 1: “well ahh I reckon you could”
Redneck 2: “……Is it Donkey dick”
One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.
So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"
Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".
"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.
So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"
"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.
"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"
One red neck says to the other “if I think of something and write it down on this piece of paper I’ll give you twenty questions to guess what it is”
He accepts this challenge
Redneck 1: writes down “Donkey Dick”
Redneck 2: asks his first questions “Can you eat it”
Redneck 1: “well ahh I reckon you could”
Redneck 2: “……Is it Donkey dick”
One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.
So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"
Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".
"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.
So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"
"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.
"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"
Sunday, August 8, 2010
What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax… I would sit on my ass all day… I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he’s broke, don’t do shit.
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax… I would sit on my ass all day… I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he’s broke, don’t do shit.
Case of the Mondays
Case Of The Mondays
Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you’re not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, “Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?”
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you’d get your ass kicked sayin’ something like that, man.
Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you’re not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, “Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?”
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you’d get your ass kicked sayin’ something like that, man.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
More Friday Jokes
Midget Fortune Teller
Queen Fiona had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent.
They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape.
This so incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day:
"Small medium at large"
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked. The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman imediately goes to her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and proceeds to explain why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with your co-worker complimenting on how your hair smells?" The woman replies."Because it's Mitch, the midget"
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.
Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
I was driving down a street the other day, not paying much attention, when I accidental dinged anouther car which had stopped at the traffic lights.
The driver came out, and he was a dwarf and peeved. He then proceeded to walk up to my car, fuming.
He then stared at me and declared "I'm not happy!"
Surprised, I raised my eyebrow and asked in retaliation "Then which one are you?"
Queen Fiona had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent.
They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape.
This so incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day:
"Small medium at large"
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked. The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman imediately goes to her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and proceeds to explain why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with your co-worker complimenting on how your hair smells?" The woman replies."Because it's Mitch, the midget"
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.
Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
I was driving down a street the other day, not paying much attention, when I accidental dinged anouther car which had stopped at the traffic lights.
The driver came out, and he was a dwarf and peeved. He then proceeded to walk up to my car, fuming.
He then stared at me and declared "I'm not happy!"
Surprised, I raised my eyebrow and asked in retaliation "Then which one are you?"
Qantas Repair Division - Friday joke
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet'
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick..
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick..
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Friday
Ahh, Finally Friday
After a long week of working in the entertainment industry with the chance to view a few yet to be released movies its finally getting closer for me to be able to wind down after a long week and enjoy a brewski & steak.
I am unsure as to how i will get through the weekend without a set line up of exercises for the day.
From..
Eagerly awaiting Matts Blog Update Andy
After a long week of working in the entertainment industry with the chance to view a few yet to be released movies its finally getting closer for me to be able to wind down after a long week and enjoy a brewski & steak.
I am unsure as to how i will get through the weekend without a set line up of exercises for the day.
From..
Eagerly awaiting Matts Blog Update Andy
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1
SPOILER ALERT
Firstly if you are a harry potter fan beware of what you are about to read! i don't want to spoil the new movie for you!!
I won't say where i work or how i know the following information but due to my position i have been able to see a copy of the upcoming movie and i am confused about its ending.
After over 2 hours of viewing what i can only describe as amazing... (maybe even worth the long wait)
i am confused about why Harry dies at the end and how they are still going to make another movie named Harry Potter, about Harry Potter but without Harry Potter?
Will the last instalment be purely flash backs showing Harry as a younger gent?
The ending does not give light to resurrection of Harry, Is this even possible?
I have followed the book and the movie storyline seems completely different?
Regards...
Concerned Andy
Firstly if you are a harry potter fan beware of what you are about to read! i don't want to spoil the new movie for you!!
I won't say where i work or how i know the following information but due to my position i have been able to see a copy of the upcoming movie and i am confused about its ending.
After over 2 hours of viewing what i can only describe as amazing... (maybe even worth the long wait)
i am confused about why Harry dies at the end and how they are still going to make another movie named Harry Potter, about Harry Potter but without Harry Potter?
Will the last instalment be purely flash backs showing Harry as a younger gent?
The ending does not give light to resurrection of Harry, Is this even possible?
I have followed the book and the movie storyline seems completely different?
Regards...
Concerned Andy
Spring Cycle
For anyone interested in a mildly easy Charity ride check out the Spring Cycle website
http://www.springcycle.com.au/
http://www.springcycle.com.au/
If you register to do the "North Sydney to Olympic Park" option you get the chance to ride over the Sydney Harbour Bridge and down through the rocks which will be something special
Mutual Plugging
fter discovering a fantastic plug for my new found blog i felt the need to offer a return plug whereby i plug said pluggers blog with a plug
so here goes!!
http://mattsthoughtsonfitness.blogspot.com/
so here goes!!
For anyone interested in all things fitness and particularly Matts thoughts on all things fitness which are always informative, easy to follow and great to live by please check out:
http://mattsthoughtsonfitness.blogspot.com/
Two Interesting Bikes
Two interesting bikes have come to my attention..
One is a great idea, extremely customisable and great value for money
The other being cheap, heavy and made with one purpose.. To mono.. what more could anyone want
Mojo Bike
http://www.mojobike.com.au/
Mojo Bike offer a customisable fixie/single speed bike delivered to your Door Australia wide for a total price of just $499.00 delivered, Great idea with the growing popularity of single speed bicycles in Australia
Mono Bike
Having seen the awesome TV commercials and heard the hype im sure everyones interest in the new "MONO BIKE"
made with the purpose of being able to hold the longest & most impressive monos with less effort..
Basically by reshaping training wheels into mono training wheels
This bike is available in retailers from $129.00 (less than the cost of a good quality bike seat for road bike)
Great price but the bike only comes in one size, 50cm.. which for anyone over 14 is probably too small
Still worth a look for such a cheap price and having the ability to mono.. who could want more
One is a great idea, extremely customisable and great value for money
The other being cheap, heavy and made with one purpose.. To mono.. what more could anyone want
Mojo Bike
http://www.mojobike.com.au/
Mojo Bike offer a customisable fixie/single speed bike delivered to your Door Australia wide for a total price of just $499.00 delivered, Great idea with the growing popularity of single speed bicycles in Australia
Mono Bike
Having seen the awesome TV commercials and heard the hype im sure everyones interest in the new "MONO BIKE"
made with the purpose of being able to hold the longest & most impressive monos with less effort..
Basically by reshaping training wheels into mono training wheels
This bike is available in retailers from $129.00 (less than the cost of a good quality bike seat for road bike)
Great price but the bike only comes in one size, 50cm.. which for anyone over 14 is probably too small
Still worth a look for such a cheap price and having the ability to mono.. who could want more
Getting Aero
I found an interesting picture on the benefit of certain products in the eternal quest for more speed.
Interesting to note just how effective shoe covers are.
Verdict:
Next time you are contemplating the best way to spend your money..
Buy shoe covers.. the most economical way to get fast in any environment
Verdict:
Next time you are contemplating the best way to spend your money..
Buy shoe covers.. the most economical way to get fast in any environment
Andy Isn't on a boat
I have just realised something terrible
It has made my day alot wose than previously imagined.
I have realised i am not on a boat.
Difficult times
It has made my day alot wose than previously imagined.
I have realised i am not on a boat.
Difficult times
Welcome
Well after some quality advice from a dear friend of mine i have decided to create my own blog.
What an exciting time this is for me, A new place online for me to share my spam its an interesting concept.
As to whether anyone will read.. thats yet to be seen
All i can say for now is....... Enjoy
What an exciting time this is for me, A new place online for me to share my spam its an interesting concept.
As to whether anyone will read.. thats yet to be seen
All i can say for now is....... Enjoy
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