Sunday, August 15, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
20 Questions
Two Red necks are arguing
One red neck says to the other “if I think of something and write it down on this piece of paper I’ll give you twenty questions to guess what it is”
He accepts this challenge
Redneck 1: writes down “Donkey Dick”
Redneck 2: asks his first questions “Can you eat it”
Redneck 1: “well ahh I reckon you could”
Redneck 2: “……Is it Donkey dick”
One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.
So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"
Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".
"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.
So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"
"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.
"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"
One red neck says to the other “if I think of something and write it down on this piece of paper I’ll give you twenty questions to guess what it is”
He accepts this challenge
Redneck 1: writes down “Donkey Dick”
Redneck 2: asks his first questions “Can you eat it”
Redneck 1: “well ahh I reckon you could”
Redneck 2: “……Is it Donkey dick”
One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.
So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"
Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".
"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.
So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"
"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.
"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"
Sunday, August 8, 2010
What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax… I would sit on my ass all day… I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he’s broke, don’t do shit.
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax… I would sit on my ass all day… I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he’s broke, don’t do shit.
Case of the Mondays
Case Of The Mondays
Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you’re not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, “Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?”
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you’d get your ass kicked sayin’ something like that, man.
Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you’re not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, “Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?”
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you’d get your ass kicked sayin’ something like that, man.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
More Friday Jokes
Midget Fortune Teller
Queen Fiona had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent.
They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape.
This so incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day:
"Small medium at large"
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked. The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman imediately goes to her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and proceeds to explain why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with your co-worker complimenting on how your hair smells?" The woman replies."Because it's Mitch, the midget"
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.
Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
I was driving down a street the other day, not paying much attention, when I accidental dinged anouther car which had stopped at the traffic lights.
The driver came out, and he was a dwarf and peeved. He then proceeded to walk up to my car, fuming.
He then stared at me and declared "I'm not happy!"
Surprised, I raised my eyebrow and asked in retaliation "Then which one are you?"
Queen Fiona had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent.
They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape.
This so incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day:
"Small medium at large"
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked. The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman imediately goes to her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and proceeds to explain why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with your co-worker complimenting on how your hair smells?" The woman replies."Because it's Mitch, the midget"
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.
Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
I was driving down a street the other day, not paying much attention, when I accidental dinged anouther car which had stopped at the traffic lights.
The driver came out, and he was a dwarf and peeved. He then proceeded to walk up to my car, fuming.
He then stared at me and declared "I'm not happy!"
Surprised, I raised my eyebrow and asked in retaliation "Then which one are you?"
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